My friend thinks this is funny and that I should write it down, so here goes. Whether my written description will be as good as my verbal one, I don’t know!
I met this chap on one of those online dating sites. Yes, yes, I know, not the most brilliant place to frequent! But I’m not really sure where else I’m going to meet men! Work? Tesco? The journey between both of these and home? Anyway, I joined up and suddenly received a mass of private messages! (fresh ‘meat’!). After sifting through the offers of marriage from Arabs, offers of meeting for sex from the most of the English men, I had a a couple of possibilities. So I replied to them and a few PM’s flitted between us. One of them, seemed like a nice chap and we had a lot of the same interests. So after enquiring if he was an axe murderer, I asked if he’d like to meet up. How forward of me!!
He didn’t drive so I arranged to meet him at the station. I’m not a girly girl, but I did my best, had a bath, washed my hair, put my best DMs on and walked to meet him. I stood, with a stomach full of butterflies, in the pouring rain and waited. I had a blurry photo to go by and a rough physical description.
Then there he was. I could of happily ran in the other direction! He was about my height, wearing a bright yellow t-shirt over a black shirt, tucked into blue jeans, a black denim jacket ala 80s style, brightly coloured trainer and a pink backpack. He sounded like a Mr Bean with a slight lisp! (I’m no oil painting, but I scrub up quite well, so I’m not saying that I was better than him or anything!)
He even waked funny, like his legs were leading the way! We went to a local cafe, a kind of semi ‘nice’ one. He said he’d get the drinks, but I was hungry, so I said I’d get mine as I wanted some food. When I went to the counter, he said, ‘Oh, well if you’re buying, mines a coffee’. Nice. We sat down and he went down to his coffee and supped from the edge of the cup. His fingers wearing 80s style ‘heavy metal’ rings, held the cup on both sides like a small child. His witty cynicisms and banter, I found so funny in an email, came across as sarcasm and bitterness. After a few minutes, he announced he wanted to see the sea. My first thought, ‘Oh good. the opposite direction from my work and home’. Ohh, I must sound SO mean! But I’m not, I swear!
We walked along the seafront in the pouring rain, whilst he pointed out all that was wrong with my home town. I love where I live, so defended it as much as I could. Halfway up the seafront, he announced he was cold. Opened the afformentioned backpack and pulled out a purple, knitted tank-top. He put it on over the bright yellow t-shirt. If anyone had of seen us, I would think that they thought I was a carerer out with their ward. I’m soooo mean!
We walked through the town, back to the station. ‘I’m not going home yet’ he announces. ‘Can we walk up that way’? Eeeek! Near work and home! So we walked through the shopping centre. Going in all the charity shops. It’s OK, I like that bit. Books, books, books! He spied a Wimpy. He got very excited. We walked up as far as the local Supermarket. I informed him I had to go, as my child came out of school soon. He informed me that before he went home, he was going to the Wimpy…
We won’t be seeing each other again. I left the dating sites.